Thoughts

I love cleaning out my email. It's when you find great oldies like this!
- J


1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefullyin his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
--Author Unknown

2) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at thebar.--Drew Carey

3) Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.--Rod Stewart

4) Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.--Bob Ettinger

5) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out
in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."--Paula Poundstone

6) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfwaythrough my fish burger and I realize, "Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner."-- Lynda Montgomery

7) I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."--Richard Jeni

8) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.--Johnny Carson

9) Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.--Paul Rodriguez

10) Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?--Warren Hutcherson

11) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.--Mark Twain

12) Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.--Robin Williams

13) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.--Roseanne

14) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, My God, you're right!